weather: sunny, 36c.
highlight: manga came in the mail. .26

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i talked with my girlfriend about something that was bothering me in the relationship for a while. they promised change, and then they changed. their words weren't empty, nor filled with excuses, and action was taken to rectifu where i was hurting. it was incredible, in a way that only someone who's used to being disrespected could say. i feel so loved by them in a way i can't express with words.

it took me a while to get to that point. i think it was a tiktok i saw about bad friends who dump all of their problems on you at once instead of addressing them when they come that spurred me to talk about it; that made me realize it was something i could talk about.

in all of my previous relationships i never talked about anything that was bothering me out of fear that i would be punished for it, or that my feelings wouldn't be heard in the way i needed them to be, as they often were. that i'd be making myself vulnerable when i could've just been strong and survived all the same. i waited until i was being crushed by how unbearable things had gotten in order to speak up.

it's something i've been trying to unlearn. trying to heal from in this relationship because i really, really want this to work, and i know how self-destructive my own attempts at self-defense can be and how unfair it is for someone else to have to deal with someone like me. to some extent it's baffling to me how easily i talk down on myself for having wants and needs. it feels automatic in a sense, so engrained into my way of thinking that i can't fathom any other way to go about it.

and it's nice having a partner that knows your past and doesn't look away from it. it's nice being able to point to things that changed the way i act and percieve the world and have it be understood as an explaination for my behavior and not an excuse. conversations about boundaries and comforts with them feel so much more like simple conversations and not walking the line between a breakup because i cannot be easy to love.