weather: overcast, 10c.
highlight: did some building in the sims. .15

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it's been a while. oops. we're already halfway through the month without any new entries, and i fear it's for the same reason as i've been mentioning for the past handful of ones - i'm busy, too busy to be consistently upkeeping this site.

that doesn't mean i haven't been thinking about the site though. recently i realized that doing an entry every day, or every couple of days, is not sustainable for me. there isn't a lot that happens usually, and when things do happen it's usually something i have to spend a while recovering from. furthermore, i think not having a specific topic for the site had made it difficult for me to find things to write about. it's like i'm paralyzed by choice, the freedom is too much.

at the same time it's difficult to select just one aspect of my life to reflect on in a meaningful way. not because i think reflecting by itself is meaningless, but because i fear these areas of my life would get stale too quickly. i dislike change, i actively go out of my way to avoid it, so i fear closing in on one aspect of my life would lead to a lot of my entries sounding the same. one area in my life, i realize, is constantly changing though is my experiences with romance.

romance in general has always been a topic of interest for me. no doubt the way i've formatted my site hints to that aspect of myself. i've already written a few entries specifically about love and my partner, but it was never done with the intention of the sites "main focus" to be romance. but in thinking about it more, i realized that romance is important to me, and the relationship i have with my partner is important to me, and i'd like to be able to reflect on my feelings towards that so that i can be a better partner in the future.

i say this because, up until this point, i was in a lot of bad relationships. not just romantically, but platonically too. i have trouble gauging when to put my foot down and when to let things go, and i fear i come off as being too intense over the wrong things and being absolute with the way i handle things. i have a lot of feelings, fear, worry, anxiety, about various things that feel out of control. generally, i think i'm bringing a lot of past wounds into my current relationship, and i worry that doing so is hurting it.

i want to be able to look back on these feelings when my head is clearer and be able to identify why i'm feeling a certain way. if it's fair, and if it deserves to be explored further or if it deserves to just be let go.

i might redesign the site slightly to fit this new site purpose. or maybe things are okay as they are now. i'm not sure, i'd have to think about it more. if this entry is hard to read i apologize, i wrote everything in one go and did not go back to proofread things like i do with my other ones.

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