september entries ---------------------------
weather: partly cloudy, 16c.
highlight: built a really nice house in minecraft.
.07
i've always experienced varied levels of attraction and emotional attachment to my girlfriend. i'm dissociative by nature, my childhood was not all that pleasant so my ability to cope with unpleasant things in adulthood is very low - when something stressful happens i disconnect from myself and my surroundings in order to protect myself. this is something i've grown up with, something my girlfriend understands, and isn't behavior that exclusively affects her (as in, this is something that happens equally towards all of my friends).
there are times where my love for her does feel like an overwhelming smolder in my chest, much like how it's described in the books or on tv. most other times i don't feel anything at all. but my care for her never wanes throughout my dissociative episodes, i understand my love for her as a fact rather than an emotion, if that makes any sense; i made a decision that she is mine to love and care for, and i will continue to do that for as long as it feels right; my inability to always feel love does not give me any right to treat her unkindly.
in moments where i'm fully grounded i've been able to feel most every feeling that someone should feel towards their romantic partner. but something that always struck me as strange was my inability to experience desire to be with her, at least not until very recently. in fact the thought of our next date often made me anxious, something i tried every time to convince myself was just excitement. i don't agree with this, but it's an easy way to soothe myself into feeling normal.
she tells me she misses me alot, especially when it's been a while since our last call, but i could never say the same towards her, not honestly. repeating those words back at her made my throat tight, because in those moments i knew i would be equally happy with her as i would be alone. i tread these thoughts carefully because i don't want to lie. lying about missing her would be hurtful, but being truthful about how i felt would also be hurtful. i understood then that i didn't need to reciprocate those feelings, but merely meet them where she expressed them.
i say 'not until very recently' because i distinctly remember a few days ago when i had caught myself thinking about wanting to play minecraft with her. minecraft with her. with her. that thought scared me half to death, and even typing that out now makes my skin crawl, like some part of my very soul wants to burst out of my chest and delete any trace of those feelings not unlike kris deltarune.
though the fact that i feel like that points to my overall feelings i wanted to document in this entry - the fact that for a long time, throughout my previous relationships, i had conditioned myself to throw away desire for my partners' affection because they weren't able to meet these feelings for me. so much so that i had forgotten desire is something i could feel in my chest and not just as a thought in my head.
and the fact that, very slowly with the unknowing aid of my girlfriend, i'm learning that feeling this way is okay, and i'm starting to be able to feel these things again.
i want to write a line that praises my girlfriend but it's very difficult to say anything without seeming like i'm thankful for her for not abusing me. which... i am grateful for, but saying something like that disregards the numerous ways she goes above and beyond to be an incredible partner, so i won't.
i'll end this by saying that we did play minecraft together. and i've built a house that we're going to build together in the near future.
weather: sunny, 26c.
highlight: first day of school (real).
.03
today was my first actual day of school. as in the first day with lectures. things went fine. some people were annoying, but they usually are. it's nothing i'm not used to by now. it was nice being able to study in the library again. it's the only place that i can really seem to consistently get stuff done.
last year my mental health took a really bad tumble right at the start of the second semester and i'm determined to not let that happen again. i want to stay on top of my assignments and things i have to do. not just scrape by but actually go with the intention of learning, even if that means engaging with the things i like a little less. i need to do some revision later today, or maybe tomorrow. when i have the time. we'll see.
i still have things i want to write about before i forget, but haven't had the ability to actually write about them. i tried a few times today but i really just could not get my thoughts to make sense.
i'm worried if i don't write them now then i'll forget them, but at the same time if i spend too long trying to force myself to write i'm worried i'll get burnt out of writing. i don't want either, but i'm not sure what i can do to fix my problem...
weather: sunny, 16c.
highlight: first day of school.
.02
i finished tweaking the site formatting just now, so things should now look okay-ish on computer screens. or at least things should not be significantly different between my home computer and my laptop, though i've yet to test if that's actually true or not. there's still a few little things that are bothering me here and there that i'll get to eventually, mostly because they're all things only i would notice anyway.
at some point i'd also like to make everything mobile friendly, i just can't currently think of how i would even begin to do something like that given the complexity of the layout. while i do love how my site looks one big problem i have with it is that i cannot find any sites that are visually similar to mine to reference code from. or maybe the fact that something like this is difficult to work with is exactly the reason why most people chose something else?
i have the benefit of feeling no pressure to make my site accessible to other people. i don't really care if someone can or cannot see my site, it's not like anyone's gonna miss out on anything by not being able to see my rambles about things most people don't even care about.
weather: sunny, 24c.
highlight: final day of summer break.
.01
i'm writing a lot later than i usually do, i'm planning on going to sleep basically right after posting this. i wasn't going to write anything today since i was having a hard time making my thoughts make sense. i have topics and thoughts i want to pick apart but no motivation to actually do so as of late, probably thanks to some mix of jetlag and being exhausted after all of what little energy i am able to get back every day by cleaning or other maintenance.
which is to say i've been busy, and also very tired. but seeing as it's the first of september, and the first new month since the site's completion, i felt weird not putting out something for the beginning of the month. something for me to look back and reflect on once september comes to a close, perhaps. i'm not sure. right now i'm writing with the intention that i will come back and read this entry, but i can't be sure.
anyway, my first day back at uni is tomorrow. i signed up to be a mentor to the younger grades and i'm, embarrassingly, a little bit nervous about winning their approval. which is a weird position to be in, cause it's usually the opposite - mentee wants to win the approval of mentor.
i wanted to talk more about my girlfriend and my love for her that i'm too shy to tell her directly, but that's definitely not a bundle of thoughts that i can wring out to be palatable right now.
i also still need to work on editing the site formatting to be a bit more flexible between devices. i know how to now, i just haven't had the time to properly sit down and implement the necessary changes.
finally, i'd like to add entires to this place a bit more frequently. not just when something cool happens, but for the more monotonous parts of life too. i fear once school really kicks off a lot of my entries will just be about how i studied for the whole day though, which wouldn't make for very fun to read entires...
anyway, happy september. please excuse any spelling or grammar errors in this one, i'm barely keeping my eyes open just writing this.